I can’t breathe.
Normally its a bad thing, but I feel like its making the words stay put. It keeps my emotions and rage somehow at bay. It keeps everything maybe even brighter because without any words I can’t even express myself properly and it all stays hidden somewhere in the drawer.
I feel lost, weak, unloved, undeserving and all those shady thoughts I wanted to throw off a cliff years ago.
Self agony is quite basically the worst thing I have to nourish, but I wouldn’t be able to even talk right now if I would have just left it in.
I feel lost in my own depression. My body is not even able to even take any response from my mind. I wanted to run, do flips, crows pose, head stand. I wanted to ride horses, play tennis and finally learn how to ride my deplorably “newish” bikes.
Yet my body answered with laughter and just shut itself out.
I learned that a job in my field is pretty rare for females overall and that no amount of experience actually matters cuz we all live in an extremely sexist unnerving man ruling we don’t care about women’s problem world.
I learned that for a girl with a surprising large amount of talents, there is literally nothing I would actually parade for, cuz despite being good in plenty of things, I am not amazing in any of them.
Despite being a nice and friendly person, I’ve never had a lot of friends.
And sickness, or sadness. Regret and distrust, are literally killing me from the inside because I am that lost. I am just that miserable, and I just can’t.
I just felt inclined to share a page of my unnerving unrelenting mind journal, with all you lovely people.
I know I’m not as constant with my content as I wanted to be, but I am just so lucky and thankful to see that some of you just stayed along and kept falling my ever rainier blog.
Like every millennial nowadays, things are getting increasingly difficult and hard, and breathing among all this chaos is nearly impossible. The weight of everything is pressuring my shoulders, my lungs, my everything.
Dealing with this is impossible alone and it took me a stupid amount of time for huge boulder of pride to realize it might need to mellow down a little and seek someone to carry the burden or just consult with.
There is no shame whatsoever in seeking help
Something its the only way to get yourself out of the gutter
Cuz real like is not what the fairy tale told us. It’s just darn hard.
Keep yourself in check and talk to someone if you need help. Hire a professional, talk to a relative, a friend or anything that help.
Stress might not be depression but it can lead you there faster than you can say it, and sometime even by itself it can cause you to meltdown
Lots of love and calm to all you lovely, lovely rainy fellas